I went into my conversation with Cheryl Sharp, a domestic abuse workplace consultant and Founder of Elpis Kai Eleutheria, knowing little about what supporting someone experiencing domestic abuse looks like from an employer’s perspective.
I came out thinking about payroll.
Not because payroll is even remotely the most important part of domestic abuse support, obviously, but because Cheryl gave me one of those incredible examples that suddenly makes you understand how much influence a workplace can have.
If somebody’s wages are being paid into an account their partner controls, could you pay them somewhere else?
It takes minutes from an employer’s perspective. For the person experiencing abuse, access to their own money could mean something completely different.
That was really the theme running through our conversation. Employers cannot fix domestic abuse, and they absolutely should not try to become domestic abuse professionals. But there may be practical things happening inside the workplace that either preserve somebody’s independence and safety or, without anyone realising it, make an already difficult situation worse.
Cheryl understands that from both sides.
She left an abusive marriage in 2011 with her two boys, no real plan and no financial security, then went on to establish an accountancy business while rebuilding her life. It was through that experience that she began to understand just how important financial independence had been, and eventually started working with other survivors before moving into the work she does now with employers.
Today, she helps organisations understand what domestic abuse can look like at work, equips managers to have conversations when they are worried about somebody and helps businesses think through what practical support they could offer.
And there was one part of our conversation in particular that I think every manager needs to hear.
Before you performance manage somebody, get curious
We tend to separate “work problems” and “home problems” quite neatly until somebody’s home life starts affecting their work.
Then we see lateness. Absence. Mistakes. Missed deadlines. A change in attitude. Someone who used to contribute in meetings has become quiet. Someone capable suddenly needs constant reassurance.
Those things naturally attract management attention because, quite reasonably, managers have a business to run and expectations still matter.
But Cheryl made the point that some of the signs of domestic abuse can look remarkably like a performance management problem.
That creates a difficult situation because, if the response is immediately formal and somebody subsequently loses their job, the impact goes far beyond employment. They may lose their income and therefore some of the financial independence that could eventually give them choices about their situation.
There is also another side to this that I hadn’t really considered before our conversation.
Imagine being repeatedly told at home that you are useless, stupid, incapable or unable to survive without somebody, then coming into a workplace where you are suddenly being told that you are failing there too.
Even when the employer knows absolutely nothing about what is happening at home, the two things can start reinforcing each other.
Cheryl’s advice wasn’t to ignore performance issues or jump to conclusions about domestic abuse. It was much more sensible than that… be professionally curious.
There are dozens of reasons somebody’s behaviour or performance may have changed, and managers shouldn’t be trying to diagnose people from a checklist. But when someone who has historically been perfectly capable suddenly seems very unlike themselves, it’s worth asking what has changed before deciding what needs fixing.
What you notice may have nothing to do with bruises
I think many of us probably have a fairly narrow mental image of what “spotting the signs” of domestic abuse means.
We think about visible injuries.
Those can obviously be a sign, but Cheryl talked about so many things that are much easier to overlook because, in isolation, they can seem completely ordinary.
Someone starts regularly arriving late when they were previously punctual. Someone who used to stay for a drink with colleagues withdraws from everything socially. A confident employee begins questioning every decision they make.
There can also be behaviours that appear contradictory.
One employee may keep finding reasons to stay late because work is somewhere they feel safer and they don’t want to go home. Another may become incredibly anxious about leaving at exactly the right time because getting home later than expected has consequences.
A partner might appear at the workplace frequently. There might be constant calls or messages. Someone might begin dressing differently, become noticeably quieter or stop speaking in meetings when they previously had no difficulty contributing.
The important part, Cheryl explained, is often the pattern and the change.
You are not looking for one magic sign that gives you permission to decide what is happening in somebody’s life. You are noticing that the person in front of you is behaving differently from the person you know.
That requires managers to actually know their people, of course, which is probably a wider HR conversation for another day.
The conversation doesn’t need to sound like HR
Once you have noticed that something is wrong, the next obstacle is usually fear.
What if I embarrass them? What if I’m completely wrong? Is this too personal? Am I even allowed to ask?
I understand all of that, particularly with something as sensitive as domestic abuse, but Cheryl’s approach to that first conversation was far less complicated than I expected.
Give it time. Make it private. Don’t ambush somebody five minutes before your next meeting and then expect them to tell you something enormously personal.
She suggested that sometimes going for a walk can help, and I completely understand why. We recommend that ourselves in all sorts of difficult workplace conversations because sitting opposite somebody across a desk immediately changes the atmosphere. Walking side by side, having a coffee or sitting somewhere a little less formal can remove some of that feeling of being summoned into “the office”.
Then talk about what you have actually observed.
You’ve seemed quieter recently. I’ve noticed you’ve been late a few times, which isn’t like you. You don’t seem yourself. Is everything okay?
No script required.
And if they tell you everything is fine, you don’t have to force the issue. They may genuinely be fine. They may not trust you yet. They may not even be ready to acknowledge what is happening themselves.
You can simply make sure they know the door remains open.
That felt like an important distinction to me. Employers sometimes become so worried about having the correct conversation that they forget they are still two human beings having a conversation.
If somebody does tell you, resist the urge to take over
This was probably the most sensitive part of our discussion.
If an employee discloses domestic abuse, there is an understandable instinct to immediately move into solution mode.
You need to leave. We need to do this. We’ll call this person. Here’s what happens next.
But Cheryl was very clear that putting pressure on someone to leave is not helpful and can actually be dangerous. Leaving an abusive relationship needs appropriate specialist support and safety planning.
Her suggestion for an employer’s first response is much simpler… believe them, don’t blame them and ask what would be helpful.
That last part is particularly important because domestic abuse is so often about somebody else exercising control. Taking all the decisions out of that person’s hands again, even with the very best intentions, is not necessarily empowering.
Instead, ask.
Perhaps they need flexibility for solicitor appointments or meetings relating to their children. It’s likely they need to look for somewhere else to live. Maybe they need their wages paying into another account.
Their physical workplace may need thinking about too. If they are customer-facing or easy to locate, can they temporarily work somewhere different? If the organisation has several sites, could another location help? Could their working hours change so their movements are less predictable?
And if there is a possibility that the abuser could turn up at work, who needs to know and what should happen if they do?
I liked these examples because they make employer support tangible.
We’re not suggesting that somebody in HR should try to solve an abusive relationship. But looking at the parts of that person’s life that the employer can influence and asking whether something practical can make them safer or give them a little more control.
The specialist part needs to stay with specialists.
A policy is useful. A manager who knows what to do is better.
By the end of the conversation, I found myself thinking less about what employers should do when somebody discloses domestic abuse and much more about what needs to happen before that point.
The worst possible time to decide your organisation’s approach is when somebody is sitting opposite a manager saying they are frightened to go home.
Cheryl works with organisations to put policies and practical guidance in place, but also to train managers so the policy can actually function in real life. That might include understanding the signs, knowing how to begin a conversation, understanding what practical adjustments are available and knowing where to signpost somebody for specialist support.
Some organisations may have designated domestic abuse champions or named contacts. Others might include information about available support in onboarding or regularly remind employees where they can go if they need help.
The right approach is going to look different depending on the size and nature of the organisation.
What matters is that employees know this is something they can talk about and managers aren’t encountering the issue for the first time when somebody finally finds the courage to tell them.
A beautifully written policy nobody remembers exists isn’t much comfort in that moment.
What I took away from my conversation with Cheryl
I think I expected this conversation to teach me more about domestic abuse.
It did, obviously. But it also made me think differently about management.
We see behaviour at work and naturally respond to what is in front of us. Someone is late. Someone’s work has deteriorated. Someone isn’t participating anymore. We manage the visible problem because that is the information we have.
Sometimes that will be exactly the right thing to do, but every now and then, there is something underneath it that we cannot see.
Nobody is suggesting managers become detectives, counsellors or domestic abuse specialists. Cheryl certainly isn’t.
What she is suggesting is that we notice our people properly, remain curious when somebody changes, make it possible for difficult things to be said and know what help is available when somebody does speak.
For somebody experiencing domestic abuse, employment may mean far more than coming to work every day. It might be their income, their confidence, their contact with other people, a reminder of what they are capable of and, eventually, part of how they build a different life.
That makes this a workplace conversation too.
Watch the full In Conversation with Cheryl Sharp and Franzi on YouTube
Learn how to recognise changes in employees, approach difficult conversations, provide practical workplace support, financial independence and what your organisation can put in place before somebody needs help.